Between Now and Then

A post inspired by the beautiful Jen Lemen.

You can grade papers in the tent that is in your bedroom, which will never again host your bed, next to your sick husband while he whimpers, “I don’t know what to do”.
And you can smile and rub his back and close your laptop and blow it off for another moment, because nothing matters more than being together.

You can stretch your sore back for a full 5 minutes.
You can ask for favors because you're running out of time, and know that the people you love who you’ve totally blown off, will forgive you because they love you too.

You can search frantically for the missing $50 check that your husband is going insane over, even though you don’t give a damn about the $50.
You can write about rape and love affairs, as if they have any baring on your life right now–the life that’s about to embark on a whimsical 8 month bicycle ride.

You can take your time, even though time is limited.
You can just be here right now, and know, in your heart, that this is more than enough.

You can ride on the wave of your trust, and shamelessly admit how un-scared and ready you're feeling.
You can care less about the whether report, and care more about The Journey you've signed up for.
You can play the same song on your ukulele over and over again for anyone who will listen.
You can wear your confidence with pride and know that your light will not be a source of sour in the world, but a source of healing and inspiration.
You can call your friends 100 times in 1 day until they finally answer the phone and you can share all the beautiful secrets of your heart until you both feel electrically moved to jump for joy.
You can listen for the truth, no matter what it is.

You can let your parents know, with all sincerity and kindness you can muster, how much you love them and how deeply you'll miss them while you're away.
You can write love letters far mushier than socially acceptable, and seal them with real lipstick kisses.
You can get teary-eyed at a soft man's story of leaving his family in Bolivia, and feel bad for all the times you never offered him the food you cooked right in front of him.
You can make that man lunch and listen to every story he wants to tell.

You can make a to-do list, even though you just preached about the Done List.
And you can feel amazed at what little attachment or drama you have around "getting everything done".
You can take 1,000 pictures on your iPhone and get carried away by the magic of the moment.

You can let the immensity of your gratitude seep out from every morsel of your being.
You can tell the truth.
You can ask for courage.
You can dream bigger than you ever imagined space for.
You can feel good about going on the adventure of a lifetime.
You can know, in your heart of hearts, that if you do nothing more than learn how to love wholly, that will be enough.

Thank you, dear loves.
My gratitude is as huge as the sky.
I'm feeling readier than ever.
How are you?
What things can you do between now and then to pay tribute to that spirit that has so much life and longing?

The Done List

Going away party. Check.
Furniture moved. Check.
Bags packed. Check.
Homemade energy bars. Check.
Dreamy bike floating in parking lot sky. Check.
Sexy, fun, cute, blue dress. Check.
Sob-fest in bedroom tent. Check.
Cell phone tracking app to make mom & dad happy. Check.
Buzz cut. Check.
Chain cleaning. Check.
Binge eating to store calories. Check.
Amazingly sweet and unexpected blessings from loved ones. Check.
Ukulele tabs. Check.
Excitement. Check.
Support. Check.
Trust. Check.

Check. Check. Check.

Still, there are 100 things to do before Friday... people to connect with, food to buy, floors to scrub, papers to grade, cars to sell, computers to fix. But we haven't been keeping to-do lists. Not one! We're just swimming our way through, paying attention to what's needed in the moment, holding our arms out to catch each others falling pieces and knowing that what this whole process needs more than anything, is love. The kind of love that chooses togetherness over efficiency because it feels so much better. The kind of love that puts off all the to-do's when there are to-be-with's calling. The kind of love that says YES to what's right in front of us--whatever it is. That love is our foundation, our strength, our motivation and our wisdom; no to-do list could ensure a security or safety stronger. No to-do list could keep up with the rapid pace of every moment. No to-do list could love like this.

So instead, we celebrate.

The Done List.

Cha-ching! 

What's on your done list? Let's celebrate together.

T-minus 2 Weeks!

So Rach and I are leaving for our trip in two-weeks from yesterday. Holy CRAP!!! It's absolutely insane! Yesterday we even fully loaded our bikes for a test run around DC. This is becoming real!

While thinking this is totally insane I would say that I am personally ready to go. We have been talking about this trip since July 2009. The anticipation the past two weeks have been tough, we are moving most of our stuff out of our house and we just sold Rach's dresser and my desk yesterday and donated 64 books!

While we were biking yesterday, we were looking at each other and said, "this is going to be our home for the next 8 months." About a month ago I felt afraid of what I was going to lose and what known things laid before me. Now I'm excited and ready to go! Yes, I'm going to miss so many things, friends, family, Forest Dwellers, activism, but it is all a trade off for one big dream. Now I just want to get on that bike and ride off.

Everyone says 8 months is sooooo long. But if you put it into perspective of our lives, it is soooo short. I am 25 years old and these 8 months will only be 2.67% of my life. All I know is that is this is one of my dreams and it's about to become a reality!

Follow our adventures on our flickr account.

The Calm That Comes

If you knew that you could handle whatever came your way, would you give your fears a rest?
Are you longing to find out what you're capable of?
Fearlessness--
That's what's on the other end of finding out.
When you actually show up to what's right in front of you, fear is a split-second reaction.
A gasp from a car rushing by, a squeal from a fly in your mouth.
Not a worry, not a what-if, not a maybe.
A real and rare sensation.
A thrill, followed by sigh or cry or laugh.

I've been pushed to find out what I'm made of.
And I've discovered that I am fearless.
No possibility is beyond my ability to cope.
Being in the moment.
Being with what's right in front of me.
Getting out of my own way.
Showing up.
Listening.
Watching.
Feeling my soul step into my skin.
Feeling my power.
Feeling my presence.
There is nothing I cannot be with.
Even discomfort.
Even inconvenience.
Even heartbreak.
Even death.

Here I am--wanting power, wanting adventure, wanting aliveness, wanting to truly know myself and my limitlessness.
What I'm really asking for, when I declare these wantings, is the other side of the pendulum--
The dark side of fulfillment.
The doubt, the coldest days of winter, the very things I care most about stripped right out of reach.
The answer to this question:

When do I stop wanting real life?

I Wish I Could Sleep in Every Capitol on our Trip!

This past weekend I was in Chicago for a convention. My place of birth was only 3 hours away--the glorious Madison, Wisconsin--home of the most recent occupied capitol. I was there for 10 hours from 8:30pm to 6:30am on Monday/Tuesday. It was truly an inspiring sight.

Please read more about my time there here: http://on.fb.me/eeaWr9

Rachael and I are going to be in Madison for two weeks this summer. There I stood in the capitol thinking, "it would be awesome to stay here in May too." Then I thought, "wouldn't it be awesome if people took these types of actions around the country to stop the attack on the working class?" Then we would experience revolt around the country! Wisconsinites have shown the way. Now let the revolt in other states begin! Maybe we will be able to be part of this on our trip and have a free place to sleep in a capitol near you.

Turning the Social Structure Upside Down

These past couple of weeks I was glued to Al Jazeera as we all watched the Egyptian Revolution unfold and the inspiring actions that accompanied it. I went to at least 6 solidarity protest over the course of 3 weeks to stand with the Egyptian people and their demand for democracy. I have been an activist since my college days and it has always been a part of my day to day and it is going to be a extremely hard not to have it in my day to day for 8 months.

Since I see the world through the lens of social changes and social conflicts I'm trying to take a look at this bike trip through that lens. You could argue that our bike trip is a revolution on a personal level much like the Egyptian revolution. We are challenging the status quo of what a normal married couple is suppose to do and turning the social structure of a relationship upside down (in a personal way of course). Obviously this won't really do much to affect the larger social structure, but it is none the less a step I need to take personally. You can see this among the Egyptian people and how they are starting to take control of their own society.

It is no doubt that this trip is only the tip of the iceberg of what is possible. Throughout the trip we are going to meet people who are struggling and fighting back and I look forward to speaking to those people and writing about their experiences and how we are all connected.

As they always say it's one struggle, one fight. To all my activist friends, while I'm on the road for 8 months keep up the fight and so will I.

Excitement vs. Fear

So we leave in less than two months. Holy crap! I have been feeling so many things recently. Today Rach and I outlined our route on the map we have in our bedroom and I felt a huge pit in my stomach. Now I will be looking at this map every day until we leave!

What am I leaving behind? What am I looking forward to?

These are two questions I feel that I am grappling with everyday. Sometimes I feel like I am trading in a good pair of shoes for an unknown pair with the possibility of no pair at all.

What am I leaving behind?
-An awesome house and community
-Doing activism on a regular basis
-Playing in a band with my best friends
-Going to a coffee shop and knowing a lot of people there
-Biking through a city I know
-Family
-A bike community where I know the people in it
-Comfort
-Security
-And so much more

What am I looking forward to?
-Working on Pine Ridge American Indian Reservation
-Taking a bike mechanic class in Portland
-Adventure every day
-Meeting new people
-Seeing family
-Unknown
-Unfamiliar territory

The big thing that I am leaving is a comfortable happy life for a big hole with no knowledge of what is at the end of it all. This can both be frightening and exciting. Ever since we decided to do this I have been on the side of excitement but I think the fear is starting to sink in. To me the actual riding seems so easy compared to the emotional strain that I will be feeling as my whole life will be shifted for 8 months! And I'm already starting to feel that emotional strain.

This next month and half I need to sit in this zone and become familiar and comfortable in the unknown, it's so easy to say rather than do. Basically I just need to be present now and spend as much time doing the things that bring me joy and the people that make me happy until I leave. I guess I should stop writing about it and just do it :)